I regret wasting my firsts on you because now you are not just a memory but also a definition. I regret letting you in because you came in and destroyed all my ideas of love, relationships and faith. I regret believing in you and ignoring them because at the end, you turned out exactly who they judged you to be and not what I loved you for. I regret molding my dreams according to your plans because now my dreams make no sense and all of a sudden the destination or rather lack of it, comes into my notice.
As I see you say those things to your lover after me that you used to say to me, all of a sudden I doubt your feelings for me. As I see you talk to her the way you talked to me, all my memories feel suddenly tainted. I start questioning the past I had been holding on to from so long. When I see you treat her the way you once treated me I doubt if I was ever special to you or was I just another number?-A need of the hour not a choice for lifetime. Oh I truly loved you, why didn’t you cherish me?
My heart is tired of making excuses for you to my mind. I thought you were busy but now I know better. My soul is tired of letting you in only for you to abandon it whenever you find someone better. I so badly wanted to save you that I just forgot to safeguard myself. I so badly wanted for you to be a better man that I declined as a person myself. I so badly wanted to fill you with love and hope and trust that now I am nothing more than an empty reminder of all I used to be. I tried so hard to keep you mine that somewhere along the way I forgot to protect and preserve myself. I wanted to mend you but being with you broke me in a way that I should always tread my life with the fear of falling in those cracks.
I know not how to trust any longer. I know not what to believe in. I know not who really needs me and who is there to use me, use me like you did. Love is supposed to bring the best out of you. But you just brought out the worst of me. And now with all my demons so wide awaken I know not how to deal with them. You are the culprit of my martyred angels.
There was a time I thought I would always cherish the moments I spent with you. I thought we were just not meant to be. But now I just regret every second of my time that I wasted being with you. You left me aroused and high but never satisfied. With all your thundering, I thought you would end the drought in my life- quench my heart, rejuvenate my desires and stop the dying of my soul. But no, there was no shower of blessings. You were the deceptive kinds. You weave hopes at night with your lies and leave shattered dreams in your wake.
I was never an angel. I was never an innocent. But I had this ignorance that I blissfully embraced. I had this naivety regarding things that seems you had mastered long ago. My ignorance gave me hope, it gave me motivation and it lured me back to life when hard times would push me away. It was my solace, a promise of better times. But you sucked out the optimism and chocked me with harsh Pragmatism. You killed the girl full of dreams and changed her into a bitter woman.
Love was supposed to heal my past and balance all my wrongs. It was supposed to light my darkened soul. It was a promise of something beautiful to my tired and tarnished mind. I was waiting for a perfect time and for a perfect man to enlighten me about love and show me how everything that St. Paul wrote was right. Love was meant to be my salvation, not destruction. I had enough screwed up plots, love was meant to be my perfect chapter. But then you came along and exposed me to unforgettable ugliness of love. You took my shame and changed it into a scandal and now my mistakes are no longer secrets meant to be cried over at night but a public affair, exposed to be scrutinized in the ruthless light.
Somehow after all these months, in which days after days I had discovered the lies in your words and the fakeness in your feelings, I wonder if we were ever really true. I always held back and you were always so withdrawn. Were we ever anything more than two broken souls trying hard to find a way to be whole? You were always trying to find your first lover in me and I was always searching for my dreams in you. I remember watching you cry over her the way I cried after you. I remember watching you stare at her photos the way I stare at yours now. When your lips formed her name right before they landed on mine, I felt the same ache that you felt the night she proved to have moved on. So yes, maybe on some level I have this uncanny empathy for you but then I could never sympathies.
As I watch yet another photo of you and this new lover of yours and read these love drenched comments, I swallow my tears up and instead of our broken sorry tale, I find myself picking up the debris of my broken dreams. As I see your smile with her in your arms, mocking at my swelled eyes and wet cheeks, my crumpled pride wants to smack your flattered arrogance because, oh, you got it all wrong honey. I don’t cry over you. I just lament the loss of the dream that you broke.