As I lie here on the ground at some distance from the bonfire, I can feel the warmth due to the heat it radiates but still I can sense the coldness beyond its reach. I am lying flat on my back with nothing but the cloudless and sober sky above me. Oh, I still believe that sky is the limit! I don’t just stretch myself out because it always feels very uncomfortable to me, so instead I pull my knees up so that my feet are dangling in the air as my thighs are pressed against my chest. I keep one hand over my stomach while the other just lies silently and motionless beside me. I can feel the hardness of the floor under me but then the stars won my attention; maybe because I can relate to it.
I like the way their pattern makes no sense at all. They are pretty and mesmerizing but then they are just scattered. Like we throw corns for the birds, the creator threw stars on the sky for people like us to feed on it. I have indeed heard about constellations, but then I guess it was just some another frustrated human trying hard to find sense in something that was never meant to make sense. Why can’t we just let things be? Why do we define and analyze and reason and try to understand things? Why can’t we just enjoy the ignorance? Why do we fear senseless? Why can’t we appreciate randomness? Why is pattern so important? I don’t know. And since I don’t know, I do what I have always done. I try to make sense out of it. I try to make sense out of it because I think I can eventually make it. Letting go is an art I haven’t yet mastered because I was never taught about it. I was taught to hold on and fight for things. I was taught to struggle and strive for knowledge. But I was never taught about the glorious art of giving up and the holy surrender to the darkness. So yes, I still believe I can sort things out. But then I am entitled to be thus, I am only twenty.
I still think I can be famous and known. I still think I can change the world or maybe make a difference. I still think I can fly and reach somewhere no one has ever been to. I still think that I can be if I try to be, everything that I want to be. I still think I can make my dreams come true. I can still enjoy my freedom as an individual with no clock ticking and no voices telling me to hurry. I can still be all that I want to be. I can still dream. My canvas of hope is too wide to be shadowed by the presence of destiny or fate – or whatever. I think I can dodge it. I am still young and energetic, I am only twenty.
But don’t ask me who I am because I am still trying to figure that shit out. I still don’t know what to do but then I don’t want you telling me either. I want to figure out and with time I will. We all do, in our own time. I am trying hard to find the balance between what you want me to be and what I need me to be but then what I need is still a variable in this equation. So yes I may be confused and maybe, even scared and I do feel cold and sometimes even lost and lonely but then I am allowed to feel so. I am only twenty.
I am allowed to break a few hearts and feel shit about it. I am allowed to love the wrong guy and give myself all the right reasons to do so. I am allowed to make the mistakes that you did because you too did it anyways in spite of the warnings. We all do when we are twenty. And I guess it’s okay. You have to fight in some battles because their victory will never be yours. So I’ll find take up my battles, fight and win. I won’t shy away.
I am going to make some choices which will make me turn away from the mirror but soon I’ll learn to live with myself and realize that living with who you actually are is the hardest possible thing to do. And maybe somewhere along the way, I may even learn to love and accept myself. But right now? I am living in pretense. I am not the saint I thought I will be and not the angel I thought I was. I have a part of the devil in me, passed on from generations but right now I am trying hard to ignore this surfacing part of me. I don’t want to be who I know we all somewhere are. But then I am only twenty!
I don’t want commitments because they scare me still. I want to know I can go to all the possible directions. I don’t just wanna be bonded to one thing. I don’t want an anchor yet, I want to be carried by winds and be drifted by the current. I don’t think I am lost and clueless but I am just wandering and exploring. I am not homeless but instead, I am trying to build one because I am stupid enough to think that I can and so maybe I will.
I am still trying to outgrow the beliefs you wanted to inculcate in me and find something I need to believe in for the sake of my survival. I still obsess over all the “firsts” and mourn over the once I have lost the wrong way but soon I’ll figure out that somehow it’s the last that matters more but at present the loss of my firsts is too blinding. So let me just cry my pains out. I am only twenty.
And maybe, maybe with time I will be less ambitious and more realistic but till then let me aim and strive. Maybe with time I will be less impulsive and more thoughtful, only because I have to be. But presently, I can still afford to be wrong and stupid, so let me be. I am only twenty, how can I make all the right choices right now?!
So yes, I am gonna screw up with the wrong guys and feel like a tart maybe, because the transition from an inexperienced innocent to an experienced human is not an easy one. And I am gonna mess up with the right people and feel like a bitch. I am going to have my heart broken and feel vulnerable. I am going to drink and enjoy all night and I am gonna wake up feeling sick to the very core of my being because I need to learn that things that seem like fun in the darkness of night seem a shame in the dawn of light. I will cry at every goodbye because it still doesn’t make sense to me that people come only for a moment. But soon I will learn about appreciating their coming rather than lamenting their going. I am going to fall and taste mud and feel like I am being buried. But soon I will feel my lungs struggling and realize that I am still breathing. I guess surviving is our most basic instinct. Even when we dream of dying we do so in the hope of surviving what lies ahead.
I will see that the world is not what I thought it is but also not what they have taught it to be. I will rather find my own version of it. I will see eight sides of things and understand that sometimes they are all different and sometimes they are just the same but either way it won’t always matter. Sometimes some things never matter only because their significance is in their insignificance. Sometimes the essence is in the existence and nothing more. But right now this theory seems too harsh so I’ll just go slowly so that my heart never even realizes the change it is enduring. I won’t push into it the fact that something it had held on to from so long was never even meant for a second thought. I will wait and I will give it time to slowly do away with the innocent beliefs. I can do that because I am still young and I still have time. I am still, only twenty!