As my bare feet make their way out of my front door and unveil the outer world for my eyes, the pricking heat of the sun welcomes me. The same heat and rays that mostly makes me grimace and grumble if I am forced to stay out. Normally it would push me inside my house, but today it feels strangely warm and welcoming.
There is nothing extraordinary or different about today’s weather. The raw and stark pre-winter sun is throwing ruthless draggers down on everyone, indifferent and oblivious to the plight of that poor worker, working across the street to somehow feed his poor dying kids, or to that hopelessly hopeful vendor who would be sitting right outside my colony gate wishfully waiting for at least one soul to step out and buy this dying vegetables, Or those children of broken families praying for the walk back home to extend just a little more.
Everything is normal but nothing’s the same. As this normalcy seems to inject me with restlessness, I can’t help but wish that my heart could hate you the way my mind does. I wish your transgressions were just as fake as your love. I wish our memories were just as weak as our promises. I wish my wounds were just as shallow as your feelings. But they’re not. Are they? You left me with a void and hollowness that seems to swallow up all my sanity. You make it hard for me to breath. There is an ache to which I find no cure. I feel lost without you. Ironically you ever never even my home. What is happening?
Why couldn’t you love me? I keep asking this to myself, over and over again. It’s been months now-15 months to be precise. Everything has changed yet some things are still the same. Like the way, my life seems a little fuller when you are here, the way my world seems to stop when my phone flashes your name, the way my lungs start blowing bubbles when you call my name, the way my heart swells at your sight and so much so.
There was a time when I did see affection in your actions and love in your eyes, what has changed now? There was a time when you gave me importance and attention, a time when you did act like you cared. How did I manage to lose it? How did we come to this? I’m drowning in the blood of our wounded love while you sailed through it to yet another pretty Island. Is that place better than our love?
Why was I not enough? What did I lack? Beauty? Humor? Understanding? Sexuality? Same interests? Adventure? What? I keep thinking and thinking till a point that somehow I feel insufficient even for my own self. I no longer feel enough for me. You left me in doubt regarding my self-worth, self-adequacy, and importance. My mind starts questioning my own strength, grace, and even my bloody existence! Is your treatment of me all that I deserve?
Your love has injected me with such bitterness that it’s poisoning my soul. I’m becoming a person I can’t even stand anymore. Your coldness makes the air so thick that I find it hard to breathe; Your transgressions keep growing and suffocating me. Each time your love life grows, my heart dies a little more.
What is happening?!
Why didn’t you love me when I loved you so? Why did you keep going back to her? Why was there yet another lover? I regret you. I truly do but why do I still find myself wanting you back? Why do I still love you when each fiber of my being wants to hate you? Hate you and hate her, and her and her and her. Why do I find in me to not blame them? No, I don’t. I only blame you, you rotten piece of lying shit!
Why is it so easy to love you? To justify you? To forgive you? I am finding it so hard to live; to just do what I am supposed to do; to just forget you like you have forgotten me. To get over you like you have gotten over me. Why can’t I be like you and find refuge in other’s arms?
I am so tired of being in the backstage while you play out and make-out with them on the stage, only to fall back in my arms after the curtain falls and you are alone once again. I want you in a way that it surpasses all my needs. I am tired of coming second in my own damn priority list. Why does my heart find it easier to love you than me? Why even though I know you are probably with her right this moment completely obvious to my pains yet unbothered by my plight, I find myself missing and crying over you? Why do I care when you don’t give a shit?
Why is love so destructive? Why does it make us hopeless? Why does it hurt so damn much but doesn’t heal a bit? Is this even love? Or is it just need and desperation? I am so tired. I am so done- with you, with me, with all your lovers, with all your logics, with all the complexities that I can never fathom. How did love turn out to be so complex? Was love not supposed to be simple? You love me; I love you, and through love, we were supposed to make it through. I am so tired of finding myself waiting and hoping and praying for your calls and messages when you sure as hell are making love with someone else- someone that I was supposed to accept as “just your friend”. Why the fuck can’t I stop loving you?
You brought out the worst in me, you made me weak, and pathetic and a mess. You demeaned my love in a way that now I don’t know how to send out my love. You loved me in a way that I feel unlovable now. I am so tired of understanding you because that just makes it hard to blame and hate you, but I need to. I want to. I need to. Why does my heart want to hear you say that it loves me even when it knows that you don’t? Why do my open arms want you to hide your deeds? Why?
Why don’t my feet bloody take me in, under the safety of the roof, when all this sun does is burn my sensitive skin and sting me like it does?!