Daddy, it’s been really long since I have written anything to you and for you, and even longer since I last saw you, or heard your voice, or felt your hand. And though it seems like you have been forgotten and that I’ve moved on and now have a life without you, I need you to know that it’s not true. I still remember you and sometimes I miss you so much that all I want to do crawl back through the pages of time with all my might and hold on to the part where you were still here, and though my flesh will cut and my veins would bleed out and fingers will bruise, I promise you, I won’t let you go.
Daddy, you were my best friend, you were my only friend. You were it, you were all, we were complete. I remember going for night walks with you where we would talk just about anything, I wonder how a thirty six year-old man could even put up with weird ideologies and fantasies of a seven year old, but daddy, you did it. I remember the way you would show me the stars from the terrace, the way you surprised me on my birthday like that is the most important day in the world, the way you told me that how you used to give mamma chocolates and how her parents are weird, well I think yours are more. I miss being in your team and then annoying mamma, I miss being fed by you, I miss being held by you at night while you would tell me all those amazing stories with those morals that still guide me, I miss sitting by your side as you would compose poetry and wonder when would I become like you. I was always your little girl, that was the best compliment I could have ever got.
Do you too remember all these things daddy? The games we played, the promises you made, the plans that we had for my life, the places that we would go, the drawing that I made for you, the names that we would decide for me- in case in future I need to change, the way you would protect me from the ghosts at night and from momma’s anger during day time. And do you remember that Sunday when you taught me how to ride a bike? You stood out in the sun even when you were so sick daddy, I miss that love and affection from a man. Though mamma gives me more than enough, I still miss you. And also those early morning trip to that small bridge on your scooter, when we would get down and admire nature- just you and me daddy, just us. Do you remember that? Do you remember me? Do you miss me?- because I remember it all. And I miss it all.
I remember so much that sometimes our memories chock me, but then I also remember how you betrayed me by not coming back alive. I remember how you lied to me when you said you would come back to celebrate my birthday, because instead I found myself attending your funeral. I remember how during winters you would sneak my cold little hands under your jacket and tell me to hold on to you and take your warmth, but fresher is the memory of how cold you felt in the coffin when I kissed you for the last time, YOU took away my warmth, you took my life.
I remember the morning they told me that you were gone and I just couldn’t believe it, because I believed in you. I remember how I blindly believed in you, I waited seven years for you to comeback and wake me up from this nightmare, but you didn’t, I gave Jesus seven years to raise you up the way he raised Lazarus up, but even He didn’t. I gave myself to yet another man to love me the way you did, but even he failed. I have stooped as low as I can daddy, but how do I recreate what I had with you? I needed you dad, a daughter always needs a father, she never outgrows that single man in her life, and though you are not around I need you to know that you are still within. They might forget you but I will never stop missing you.
Daddy, I have lived most of my life without you now, but I want you to know that the times I had with you were the best days of my life, you were not just my father, you were my hero and you will always be so. You were my muse for so long, my inspiration, my song. You were my safe refuge and though you left me unprotected and insecure, I want you to know that mamma is doing an amazing job. And I totally get why you were head over heels in love with her. I am too. But you see she protects me and my brother but who will protect her? I blamed you for it, but not anymore. Because I will be her hero just like you were once mine. But then you died. And I remember that more than I remember anything else.
So though your betrayals cut deeper than the depths the love you had, I want you to know that I remember you for all that you were and all that you weren’t. And more than that, I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for betraying me the way you did, I forgive you for leaving me and I forgive you for dying the way you did.
I forgive you for not being there when I needed you, for not being there when momma had an accident and I had to be strong for my brother, for not being there to scare of all those guys who thought I’m an easy play because you ain’t here, for not being there to warn my boyfriend about breaking my heart, for not being there to hold me when I actually did get my heart broken, for not being there to comfort me and explain me what love is. Daddy, I couldn’t break down because they were crumbled, I couldn’t cry because they were weeping, I couldn’t be weak because they were struggling, I couldn’t die because you weren’t living, I couldn’t tend to my heart because yours stopped beating and theirs were aching. But still, I forgive you. You opened my eyes way too sooner yet I’m glad for my vision. No man will ever own me the way you did.
I forgive you for not being there to wipe my tears when I cried, or to tell me that it is okay be lost, or to take me to those places where I have never been to, or to protect momma, for not being there to teach me how to ride a car, and not being there to taste the first cake that I make, for not being there to tell me it’s okay to be different because you were different too. I forgive you for not being there when I was sick, for not being there on my first day of high school or college, for not being there to scold me when I did something wrong. It’s funny, right? I see my friends avoiding their father when they would dress a little too boldly or when they won’t get good marks or stuff but what I wouldn’t do for you to scold, to tell me that you care, that you are concerned and that you still want the best for me. That somehow you still remember me?
And Daddy, I forgive you for the moments that I know you will still miss, I forgive you for the graduation day that you will never attend to tell me how proud you are of me, for the farewell that you would never walk me out the door telling me how pretty I look and how I should keep men at distance, for not telling me that I have grown up into an amazing woman because daddy, I’m still so doubtful; I forgive you for not walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, for not telling me that no matter what, I can always come back home; for not being there to grow old with mamma, for not being there to tell me how to be a parent to my child, I forgive you. I forgive you, for just not being there.
You were the first man that I ever loved and you WILL always be. I gave you my heart in its most pure and complete form and though, though you broke it, I want you to know that I forgive you.
You always wanted me to make come true the dreams you couldn’t reach, to live the life that you were robbed of, to experience the things that your sickness didn’t let you. And daddy, I want you to know that I am trying to do just that, but somehow if you were here, things would have made more sense. You are not the hands that moulded me daddy, you are the clay that makes me up, whatever I’ll be, whoever I become, I will always be your daughter. My life is defined by your death, but I forgive you. I forgive you because I want it to be defined by your love, by the magic that we had, by the secrets that we shared, by the unusual friendship between a father and his daughter. And so daddy, I forgive you, lie back, you can finally lay back now, I forgive you. Rest in peace papa. Happy Fathers day.